If only life's lessons could all come easily. Today I betrayed a confidence. I feel sick about it. I'm so particular about keeping confidentiality and uphold it with fierce determination. But today, I repeated something that I now realize was not meant to be shared. And I know why I did it.I've been vulnerable lately. Undergoing some health tests that are causing more discomfort than the original symptoms. In some ways, I'm just not at the top of my game. I'm not flat out crippled by any means. But I'm off kilter enough to realize that I'm not as conscious, not as integral in my thoughts, words and actions. So it is that I failed to see the impact of telling someone what I'd heard. Damn. I've apologized where I could. Did what I can to make amends. And now I have to wait to see what the fallout is and ultimately what the impact will be.

What scares me most is that usually I get a twinge in the moment I'm going to do something that dishonours my values. This time I didn't. Not even a gentle nudge. I'm shocked by how unconscious I was from when the incident started last week. And again, I know why. When I blew up in a very uncharacteristic tirade on Thursday I should have seen that as a great big giant clue. Something was touching a deep nerve for me to overreact so strongly. I didn't pay attention. I just simmered. Damn. Missed a great opportunity to avoid a lot of bad feelings.

Deep breath. This is a time when I would self-sabotage with the skill of a dancer on thin ice. I must watch myself carefully for the next few hours and maybe days to see if I can find myself right; find myself human; find myself holy again. The sad part is that the other people involved might not have the same perspective and I may lose a colleague or acquaintance. Lesson learned: Stay Awake